Liberals want to ban the Declaration of Independence in Cupertino and children have been punished and disciplined and kicked out of school and taken to jail for reading
the Bible at lunch and anti-war protesters are all dirty hippies who spit on returning soldiers and they hate America because all liberals hate America and they laughed after 9-11 and said those people deserved it and they hate the flag and they burn the flag and they eat the flag and wear the flag as a diaper oh wait that was kid rock and he rocked out for bush so I guess thats o.k. but the liberals all hate Israel and they are all anti-semites nevermind the fact that the people in the drivers seat of the GOP are end-times fundamentalist Christians who are perfectly happy to let Jesus send the Jews to hell once he's done with them not to mention Israel but there's no need to tell them that because John Kerry eats babies and the socialist left wants to take our guns away and they're sending the black helicopters along with Kofi Annan to force our daughters to put condoms on 12 inch black dildos and the French are in on it too not to mention the Germans because how you gonna keep em down on the farm once they've seen Karl Hungus and of course liberals have joined forces with fundamentalist Islam because they all hate America and they have so much in common with each other unlike say Fundamentalist Christians who like Islamic Fundamentalists may hate gays and want women subservient because they deeply fear their sexuality and would like to make their religion the law of the planet and hell even the Bush administration and the Vatican have teamed up with fundamentalist Islamic governments from Iran and Sudan to oppose Europe on international conventions on Womens and Reproductive rights but the difference is no Islamic fundamentalist
has ever come out in favor of a flat tax therefore obviously the liberals have much more in common with those folks than we do and anyway what the useful idiots on the left fail completely to understand is that we are in a clash of civilizations where the enemy is Islamofascists who hate us for our freedom so the first thing we must do is toss as much of that freedom overboard as possible and meanwhile the Terrorists are constantly plotting to topple our way of life and this is the most important battle of our lives on which we must focus all of our energy because after all if we take our eye off the ball we could be dealing with a mushroom cloud that is how all important this war on terror is but by the way we really think the first thing the Bush administration should do in its second term is go after the people who make those smutty movies would that be possible because each time we go to the video store the smirking clerk tells us we have a late fee for something called sorority boo-kok-ee 23 and we tell that darn kid that we are good christians and our husband would never rent a sex film after all we dont even have sex although there was that one time I found one in the dvd player but ralph swore up and down that he was just doing research for the AFA so clearly something needs to be done about all this filth not the filth in the fish mind you nor the filth in the air or the filth in the water or the lettuce from the rocket fuel because without rocket fuel how would we have the missile defense shield which clearly we most certainly need since government is too big and too bloated and
I dont like paying taxes because spending is out of control except for the military and prisons we can always use more money for those nope cant have enough socked away for those good folks but anyway that environment crap is junk science perpetrated by leftist commie college professors with pony tails I mean what kind of nut would think the world is getting warmer just because people drive hummers I like my hummer and it runs on Iraqi oil ha ha ha ha ha and anyway screw the fish and the dolphins and the whales and trees its ridiculous to claim that there is any pollution anywhere its like saying god doesnt exist and we came from monkeys and if we came from monkeys then why are there still monkeys that man who asked that question is brilliant and he single handedly shot down all this darwin science crap and I am just waiting to open Scientific American and right next to a big story that says sorry we were wrong the Earth is 4000 years old and dinosaur bones were planted by Jesus will be a headline saying if we came from monkeys why are there still monkeys shit why didnt we think of that boy are we silly but we believe in science not the bible so of course we are silly but anyway all those studies that say mercury and perchlorate are poisioning our bodies and hurting our babies development at best need more study since the only thing that hurts babies is abortion and birth control and people having sex and once they are born they should fend for themselves and I'll be damned if I'm going to pay for a school lunch but I will certainly pay to lock up a pharmacist for distributing that murder weapon known as the pill but back to the rocket fuel and mercury just like global warming that leftist science crap is a load of baloney because if it was true it would mean all this shit were pumping into people is making them dumber and that cant be true I mean just look around
The other day, I was humming this song in the shower... and I couldn't get it out of my head. It wasn't until I saw the grinning Chimp-in-Chief on the cover of the paper, under my cat's ass, later that day that I understood why... The tune fits El Shrubbo to a "T".
Hats off to
They Might Be Giants.
...Some thoughtful readers may have wondered why I have not been covering
Gannongate. Well, shit, I leave that to my far more effective, well read, and work-ethic addled brethen on the liberal blog circuit. Besides, man, sometimes the Surrealist in me just needs to sit back and enjoy the show with everybody fuckin' else. I mean, shit, Gay Prostitute Phony Reporter tossing softball questions and feeding bullshit White House stories through a wholly GOP-owned "media" subsidiary?... with Secret Service and FBI Clearance under a bullshit name, and possible ties back to the highest levels of the White House? I mean, if Bill Clinton was in the White House,
the mind absolutely fucking boggles at what kind of witch-hunt would be taking place. The press would be going nuts. As it is, shit, if this (and by "this" I mean the press's treatment of the Guckert/Gannon deal as a 'non-event') doesn't prove to people that we are living in a psuedo-totalitarian environment with a near-complete Corporate lockdown on what is and isn't "news", screw it--- nothing will. I can't help but wonder where, say, California's own "ultra-liberal" San Francisco Chronicle.. whose teams of crack reporters just a couple months ago couldn't seem to dig enough dirt out of the underwear drawer of recently resigned California Secretary of State (and as such, ex-thorn in the side of Diebold) Kevin Shelley.. is on this deal. I don't think I've seen one single paragraph in the Chron on the fact that the White House was seemingly complicit in a major security breach which allowed a phony reporter/gay male prostitute unprecedented Presidential access.
Anyway, others have flogged this monkey far better than I can. If you're just hopping on board, of course,
Atrios,
Kos and the other heavyweights have been all over it for a while, now.
Joe Conason at the NY Observer has a nice piece detailing how Guckertgate smashes any lingering vestiges of the "liberal media" myth.Digby Goes Down.. On why any of this matters.Mo Dowd is a little hard on our man Guckert (get it? "little hard on"?)Lastly, please, just look at this picture:
Can any of our friends on the right honestly (honestly, now) say that if this was a Democrat; not just Bill Clinton, but any Democrat; rubbing the head of a lusty-eyed male escort, you wouldn't be calling the midnight session of Congress for the impeachment hearings? You fuckers were the ones making the jokes about "disinfecting" the Oval Office after Clinton, and y'all managed to blow (pun intended) $80 Million of the Public's money in an open ended investigation into all things pertaining to the mythical Clinton Penis, (or Clenis as it is affectionately known..) How much are you prepared to spend on independent prosecutors to find out how a gay male prostitute managed, under an assumed name, to get within fondling distance of the highly moral born-again President of the United States, and walk away with several well-timed (if of dubious veracity) scoops and information leaks? Hmmmmm?
Yeah. I know the answer.
Displaying those Christ-Like Values That Have Made the Republican Party so popular in the heartland, New Missouri Governor Matt Blunt declares he will "hold the line on taxes" and "Control Social Welfare spending"...
...By eliminating funds for severely disabled children.
First Steps is slated for the chopping block in the state budget Gov. Matt Blunt has proposed.
The program provides therapy for children ages 3 and younger who have Down syndrome, cerebral palsy or other developmental disabilities.
Two-year-old Ashley, who has cerebral palsy, once crawled using only one arm and one leg.
"Without First Steps, she would not be walking today"
Nicely Done, Governor Blunt! Certainly, it is obvious that wasteful government "social welfare" largesse to dependent constituencies, like severely disabled two-year-olds, merely prevents these tots with down syndrome and cerebral palsy from developing necessary self-reliance. You know, the pernicious liberal "soft bigotry of low expectations". In fact, I'm sure many of those fat-cat welfare disability princes and princesses are laughing as they suck up all that government dole from their wheelchairs. Far better to let them pick up a McDonalds employment application, maybe with their gums or something..
Of course, we're talking here about the
same 33-year-old Matt Blunt who eviscerated his opponent on the subject of Gay Marriage in the pre-election debates,
saying of Democrat Claire McCaskill's opposition to the State's Gay Marriage ban;
"She doesn't want to talk about values. If I had hers, I wouldn't either."
This, from a guy who makes one of his first acts as Governor the
elimination of a program that offers severely disabled children perhaps their only chance at being able to walk. Yeah. Those are really some "Values" you can brag about, you heartless bastard.
Hey, Blunt... Fuck off.
Alan Keyes Daughter-Gate Continues:
Apparently,
Out Of The Closet Means
Out On Your Ass, Little Missy.
Molly Ivins:
"The divide between the rhetoric and the reality in this administration is larger than I can span."
Tired of Being A Democrat?
BECOME A REPUBLICAN!
In Today's SF Chronicle, there is an
article about the "baffling" fact that, in the bellweather State of California, Childhood autism cases have risen by something like 500% in the last decade. Wow! Fucking Baffling! The Chronicle, the same news outlet that can't seem to do enough nitty-gritty investigative journalism on the topic of whether or not California Secretary of State (for now) Kevin Shelley was a, quote, "mean boss", seems awfully fudge-y and noncommittal on this, frankly, appalling increase in autistic kids. Well, first off, they tell us that maybe there isn't
really an increase.. maybe people are just
noticing autism now. Of course, the school systems are complaining that they don't have enough professionals on staff to deal with the severe learning challenges presented by these autistic kids, so using the Chron's logic, one can assume that prior to 10 years ago all these autistic kids that "no one was noticing" were just being stuck in a broom closet or something. But
even if this 500% increase in autism is actually happening, gosh gee whillikers, we just can't
imagine where it's fucking coming from! Oh, the Chron says, "possible" theories include "environmental causes".. Yeah. Well, let me inform the Chron and other media shills and apologists for Corporate America of something.. I have been a resident of California and this planet for the past 10 years (quite a bit longer, in fact) and I can tell you without a
fucking doubt in my mind that there is
more crap in the fucking environment than ever before. There are more assholes driving giant outsized SUVs, more giant Trucks spewing diesel fumes, more bullshit coming out of factories and pipes and tubes and incinerators and all that filthy noise. Coincidentally, on the same page of today's Chronicle, right next to the autism article, is another piece detailing how, according to an EPA inspector,
the Bush Administration "cooked" mercury data to meet Team Bush's philosophical beliefs about "free market" approaches to environmental regulation.
Meanwhile, childhood autism cases mysteriously continue to skyrocket... Just fucking Baffling, isn't it?
I was going to write a foul-mouthed rant on Bush's SOTU address, but the inherent wisdom, deep compassion, and obvious heartfelt faith of the man's speech moved me so profoundly that I was forced to revise my opinion of him... So I am now converting to Southern Baptist Christianity, Registering as a Republican, and henceforth the name of this blog will be "Support Dubya, Love Jesus, and cut your fucking hair"
Or not.
However, and I'm serious now, someone really beat me to the punch on the
profanity-laden analysis of the State of the Union, and I must say that I humbly bow before someone who is obviously a Jedi Master of the genre. And to top it all off, by 2pm Pacific today, while some of us were still trimming our nose hairs, he had proceeded along to a
quite effective skewering of the Gonzales nomination and the bullshit way the GOP thinks it's being so "clever" by turning opposition to Gonzales's support for torture (or, say, Clarence Thomas's total lack of qualifications for a seat on the Supreme Court) into "racism". Funny shit.
Rude Pundit, the hat's off to you.
Inherit The Windbags: Mo Dowd reports on a Cincinatti Creationist Museum that describes Dinosaurs as "the terror Adam's sin unleashed" (you would think the Bible might have
mentioned 15-foot-tall Lizards with razor sharp teeth chasing the Caananites around the desert, but, maybe not.) In the process, however, it seems her criticisms have brought the
"Genesis Creation Museum" even more support, certainly helped by the fact that they orginally appeared in the secular, godless, blue state New York Times. Some fucking businessman even sent a million dollars to these retards after reading "who your opponents are".
"Ooog no like New York Times! Oooog No Like Being Called Monkey! Oooog Send Million Clams to Ohio Museum! Ooog feel gooooood, now!"
The Answers in Genesis people even
purport to debunk Mo Dowd's column, but all they really seem to do is blow a few biblical passages out their ass like so many farts in the wind, and then get horribly hung up on the subject of male nipples. These fuckers should talk about arguments "devoid of substance". Certainly, it's a subject they know
something about.
Speaking of Science, apparently some folks are still managing to do interesting research under the umbrella of Bush's "faith-based" approach to (not) investigating our Universe. ...Shhh! Don't let the news get out! Well, no danger of that happening with studies like this one-
Manuel Guzman of the University of Madrid has some compelling research indicating that not only do cannabinoids, the psychoactive ingredients in marijuana smoke, have the well known effects on nausea and appetite for chemotherapy patients, they may also harbor potential cancer-fighting properties themselves. (pdf) Specifically, smoking or otherwise ingesting pot may actually help prevent, or otherwise fight, cancer.
Let me say that if you don't accept Mr. Guzman's results, first and foremost, you're a racist.
But again, this is more reason why the Bush administration's intransigence on medical marijuana, along with their duplicitous stance of saying "we are just waiting for scientific data" while steadfastly
preventing any research that might provide it, is particularly cruel, inhumane, and ridiculously offensive. But beyond that, it's interesting, is it not, that the same media which rushes to hector people about their lifestyle choices-- when it suits their agenda-- won't touch a study like this with a ten foot pole?
No, this is exactly the kind of reseach that will get absolutely
no airplay from the mainstream corporo-media, and if it came from the United States it would be instantly buried-- if it was even able to be done in this country, at all. This will be greeted with the same kind of resounding silence that greeted the
British study done a few years ago that said frequent masturbation by males in their teens and twenties significantly
reduces the risk of prostate cancer. For whatever reason, and I'll leave it to you to ponder, dear readers, the media and powers-that-be can't be bothered to let the public know that, say,
smoking pot and enjoying frequent orgasms might actually be good for you. And they're certainly not going to acknowledge that maybe- just maybe- the mercury-laden filth their boardroom buddies increasingly pump into our environment in shallow "free market" pursuit of the bottom line just might-
no fucking duh!- be related to a statistically
obscene 500% increase in autism rates over the past decade.
Certainly, FOX NEWS is not going to tell you to masturbate, at least not until Rupert Murdoch can figure out how to get the Jergens concession. But if a study came out tomorrow that said frequent
prayer and
church attendance significantly reduced the risk of cancer,
can you imagine how quickly they would trumpet it from the fucking rooftops?
